Spread your legs I'll seed your eggs...

Now you may think I'm a huge Type O Negative fan, considering my blog is all green and I have beautiful hair. Well the truth is, I'm not. I do have their first album though, Slow Deep and Hard, which the title I imagine has something to do with churning butter, plunging a toilet, or god forbid... fucking. Who knows? What I do know is a lot of us are sad that Peter Steele is dead. Most people will remember him as the blubbering jellyfish whose voice was sexy enough to turn you gay and whose imposing figure reminded you of a tweaked out Frankenstein. Although Mr. Steele managed to turn his entire Type O fan base into one big shoulder for him to weep on, this article is NOT about the None More Negative. This is about his band before Type O Negative, back when he was a fuck beast who showed no mercy and dressed like a viking. Before he was in Playgirl and was considered hot sexy stuff. This is about Carnivore!

Hot sexy stuff.

 Carnivore is definitely not as well known as you know who, but they are infinitely better.  They only released two albums in the mid 80's, but those albums are enough to make you question why you ever talked shit about this scary looking man. Carnivore's self titled debut is a great thrashy album which touches on nuclear fallout, rape, war and motorcycles. There is absolutely nothing else you need in a album. When Peter Steele screams he wants to eat your pussy in track 2, you almost wish you were of the female species so he could trace the alphabet on you. I take it back, you don't wish for it... you fucking want it. The song Male Supremacy is the soundtrack to every man's dream. You go off to war, murder a bunch of people, smash a bunch of girls, and then you come home and fuck your girlfriend and she doesn't care because you are a fucking badass. OMG girlfriend, that is awesome. This is also the time when Peter Steele gave a shit about playing bass and didn't just stand on stage in a drunken Jagermeister stupor.

Don't be fooled by the bandanna. He WILL rape you.

Carnivore's 2nd album, Retaliation, is more influenced by New York hardcore than it is thrash. The opening track, Jack Daniels and Pizza, is about 55 seconds of Peter Steele puking in a toilet. This was the first listening experience I had with this band and I don't regret it. After you get past the vomit, this album is a audio orgasm. I bought this album on the advice of my brother Matt and after the first spin I have considered Peter Steele a god.  You will too once you listen to it. This album is a non stop sonic assault that would even make your Nazi Grandmother move to the Jew loving state of New York. Sadly after this album, Carnivore didn't make any more records and Peter Steele formed Type O Negative. A couple years ago I heard rumors that Carnivore would come out with a new album. Now we know that can never happen because someone had to go off and die. Speaking of dying, the original Carnivore guitarist died in a bicycle accident in 2005. Alas we are left with two of the best metal albums in existence, that no one has ever heard of go figure. Awhile back I was working at a gas station (yeah yeah fuck you) and had Carnivore playing on the radio. While I was at the counter selling minors condoms and cigarettes, some Mormons came in and shopped around the store. As I was ringing up their Teddy Grahams and non caffeinated cola's, Carnivore's God is Dead came on the CD player. The terror in their eyes was such that I can only compare it to you walking in on your dead sister fist fucking your grandfather while the family dog watched on in amazement. Yes, it was a funny thing to see. I hope you guys check out this band after you read this, you will worship me for all eternity because I have introduced you to something great. In closing I'd like to thank Peter Steele for being a funny douchebag, making some awesome music, and I hope it's not to lonely for you 6 feet down.