Frostbitten grimness........

So you think you're grim huh? You just bought Cradle of Filth's last ass fest, you wear an upside cross and you paint your face like a pedophile clown. Impressive as you may be to little girls discovering the bloody slaughter flow from their lady parts for the first time, you are no doubt failing to impress anyone else and you look like a goddamn idiot. Now you may be saying to yourself, "But Shredasaurus, YOU look like an idiot. You wear girl pants for fucks sake!" While I have been made fun of many times for my pants in the past, I would like to state that I wear THRASH pants! Not girl pants or emo pants, so feel free to go fuck yourself now. Finding my way back on topic, I am very saddened and slightly depressed to see a lot of Black Metal "fans" wearing nothing but Dimmu Borgir shirts, Dani Filth lipstick and being under the assumption Sons of Northern Darkness is Immortal's first album. This is not grim or frostbitten in anyway and you need to be educated, unfortunately by yours truly.

THRASH pants...

Ideally, Black Metal should contain church burnings, murder, member suicides, a hatred for humanity and above all else a constant frown. A lot of bands get flack for playing Black Metal and wearing corpse paint out side of the icy land known as Norway, but that is silly considering Sarcofago was wearing that shit way before a lot of their fish eating comrades were even thinking about it, so score one for the tropical people. The first wave of Black Metal contains bands like Venom and Mercyful Fate and in my opinion (which is fact) I don't think they have shit to do with Black Metal except for singing about our dear friend Satan. As we know (or don't) the term "Black Metal" came from Venom's debut album, so I guess that's something. In the first wave we also had Bathory and Sarcofago. As soon as humanly possible go listen to Sarcofago's I.N.R.I or Rotting, its a grim Sepultura and you won't be disappointed. The second wave of Black Metal is when all the bands we know and love came on to the map. Emperor, Immortal, Darkthorne, Burzum, Mayhem, Satyricon etc... Let's look at Mayhem first. I like this band, I have their t shirt and I listen to their music when I work out on the elliptical machine flanked by old ladies. Apparently real men use treadmills because I'm the only asshole that gets on the elliptical machine. Gym politics aside, I only like early Mayhem and can't really get into anything after De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas. Dead killing himself while wearing a "I love Transylvania" shirt is pretty epic and Varg murdering Euronymous is pretty ridiculous. I don't care who you are, but if you're gonna stab me I'll be damned if I'm going to let you do it while I'm just in a pair of whitey tighties. I would at least ask for a time out so I can put on a pair of (thrash) pants and die with a shred of dignity. I have beef with Euronymous because I was reading an interview and he kept talking shit about Metallica and that their gay blah blah blah. Then why Mr. E is there a picture of you in your room standing in front of a huge picture of Kirk Hammett? On a side note, I think Maniac is a blatant homosexual. Lets talk about something a little more important now. Emperor is the coolest Black Metal band ever and I don't care what Jesse or Patrick have to say about it. You've got Faust who murdered some gay dude, Samoth likes to burn down churches and Mortiis turned into a techno troll wizard. Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk, other wise known as "Too Fucking Long to Say" is a perfect execution of all things grim and cold. Emperor is equal parts musicianship, Satanic greatness and chain mail. I love them.  Emperor was my introduction to Black Metal many frozen moons ago and I am very thankful for that.You can't really go wrong with any Emperor album, their early stuff is best but their newer stuff is still grim. Emperor recorded In the Nightside Eclipse when they were 17/18 years old and they managed to shit on everyone.

I'd stab you to if I saw you dressed like that

 One of my favorite Black Metal albums is Darkthrone's A Blaze in the Northern Sky. This album makes me want to walk through the woods in the dead of night while dressed like a goddamn Viking. Not to mention Track 2 has a fucking cowbell on it. While not technically as proficient on their instruments as Emperor, Darkthone's early stuff is pure Black Metal. "Blaze" also has the best album cover of all time. If I saw a black metal dude flying through the night sky in corpse paint, I would no doubt be found dead in the fetal position the next morning. Immortal's Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism is their best album. Before Abbath started singing like Popeye the Sailor Man, he was screeching like Gary Busey in an alcoholic rage. If you saw Immortal during this era, which you didn't, you would also have been mercifully denied the sight of  Horgh's sweaty gut in your face.  Blizzard Beasts, Pure Holocaust and even Damned in Black  are great, but nothing beats Immortals debut. Not to mention back in the day they wore witch hats and Demonaz was quoted saying "Fasten your frost belts" at the end of an interview. Lets get out of Norway for a second and move on to the land that Swedish Meatballs were named after. Quite honestly, Sweden is pretty useless when countries are concerned. They don't fight wars, they think clog's are proper footwear and their greatest gift to the free world is Abba. If only you had a "th" at the end.....Despite Sweden's utter lack of coolness, they have managed to give us Dissection and that sexy ass bitch Victoria Silvstedt. Dissection's Storm of the Light's Bane is a must have album, not The Somberlain. I really enjoy the latter, but it doesn't hold a black candle to "Storm". Jon Nodtveidt was a super grim guy and it showed in Dissection's music. He played a white Flying V, had a werewolf tattoo, and he killed himself for the Dark Lord. Those reasons are enough for you to get off your lazy ass, stop reading this grammar nightmare and buy one of their albums. I don't really feel like writing anymore so get out a pen and paper and write these bands down. Taake, Old Man's Child, Absurd (if you're a nazi), Satyricon, Morbid and Carpathian Forest. I already know what you're saying: "Old Man's Child, are you gay? Galder is in Dimmu". Go listen to Born of the Flickering or the Pagan Prosperity and then you'll realize you are the fag and Faust should have dispatched of you long ago. Now get your witch hat, hold some ice cubes and watch this: