The instrument of doom.....

No one wants to play bass, this is a fact. Unless your Black of course and even then you only do it because that is what's expected of you. Just like eating poultry and robbing people. I kid I kid (not really). Dark humor aside, no one want's to play this fucking thing. Do people want AIDS? No, but they seem to get it anyway. That's kinda how it is with bass, you don't wanna get one but you do. Most people give no credit to the low end and I can see why. Usually you can't hear it on albums or live and who the fuck wants to play on 4 strings when you can play 6? You either play bass because you're a guitarist and no guitar slots were open in your band or more commonly you are just an idiot. Now I'm a guitarist and I always disliked the bass but I hated drummers more. They get to sit down the whole set, lazy bastards. Anyway, one day I find myself joining a band with my compadres, or so I thought they were until they made me do this, and you know what they tell me? The mighty Shredasaurus? The man with long hair, side burns, Thrash pants and a dick the size of Vern Troyer's pinky finger? They tell me I need to play bass because the guitars are already taken. What kind of fucked up Twilight Zone shit is that? Being a guitarist I realized I was a supreme being in instrument land and now I was being knocked down a peg. I guess I can compare it to finding out your penis is just an over sized clitoris, not that I know or anything. Hmm....So I end up buying a bass and at the first practice I am told, "Groove with this riff". Now what in the hell does that mean I thought to myself while the tears swelled up inside me. After the "deer in the headlights" look left my face, I attempted to groove like I've never grooved before and oh did I fail. It must have been comical to watch because I wasn't fooling anyone, not even the tone deaf drummer. They told me I did a good job when I knew that they really wanted to say, "Haha, fucking bass players". After I left practice I did what any full grown man would do after failing worse than Megadeth's Risk album. I cried myself to sleep. After the weeping and binge eating was I over, I practiced day and night to unlock the enigma of this very unfamiliar thing. I always thought this shit instrument followed the root notes, but I was dead wrong. I had to stand out from the band and I didn't want to dress like an illegal Mexican in order to do it.

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After the initial repulsion and disgust with myself subsided, I realized that the bass wasn't too bad. It was kind of fun actually. I enjoyed my over sized clitoris and played with it non stop. I figured out how to groove and not just follow the guitar lines. As much as I tried denying this to myself, I came to the conclusion that the bass was way cooler than the guitar. While the guitars are holding out chords I get to play arpeggios and other awesomeness. No one can fucking hear it, but I know that I'm doing it. The bass is the backbone of any band and I like it. I'm keeping the rhythm section going while the guitarists are pointing at the crowd and making O faces constantly. Fuck that, I wanna shred! The bass does just that, I don't have the luxury of holding chords anymore I gotta keep the beat going and live up to my epic name. Playing bass with a pick is looked down upon in many bass circles, but I play with one so it's ok. Playing with your fingers doesn't have the sharp attack I like and I can't play with them even if I wanted to, so there. I always looked up to Rhoads, Friedman, Hammet, Waters etc...but now I find myself caring more about Ellefson, Burton, Harris, Butler and Digiorgio. They bring so much too the music, but sadly it can't really be heard. Ah the life of a bassist. Now there are the bass players that just follow the root notes, but they suck. They are kinda like that girl you fuck and she just lays there in a drunken stupor. No fun I tell you. So when I'm not bumping tacos with the female species, I spend my time playing the bass. I still play the guitar frequently to make sure I don't lose that skill, but bass is just more interesting. So that's my bass story, I can't believe you've read this far. Congratulations. In closing next time you're at a show or listening to music, listen for the bass. You'll be surprised at what we do.

I take it back. We make O faces too.