A Public Service Announcement.....

Fuck my life. I'm working on a post for you fags to read, be patient.

The Thing That Should Not Be......

Alright, so I haven't written a post in awhile. To be honest I haven't really felt the need to since no one reads this piece of shit anyway. I'm drinking beer however so here we go. When you have a blog here, you get a world map of countries that have looked at your blog and I noticed some dude from Costa Rica took a look at my page. Thanks for looking man, but I find it strange that you did because I didn't know your shit third world country had the internet. Anyway, I'm gonna write about a a very controversial subject that will piss many people off and to be quite honest I don't give a fuck because you are wrong and I am always right. I know I'm gonna get hate mail and every one is gonna stop reading my blog (all 118 of you, isn't that fucking pathetic?) but it needs to be said. The topic we are gonna cover today has to do with a band called Metallica and a fellow who used to be in this band. You wanna hint? Alright. His name starts with Dave and ends with Mustaine. For those in the know, Dave Mustaine was in Metallica before Kill'em All came out. You would think this was common knowledge, but over and over again the human race has failed miserably with all things logical and important, so I have to throw it out there for the kid in the Slipknot shirt who is reading this. Pause this topic, I'm going into a rant (which I'm already doing, so it's a rant within a rant). I play The Misfits at the gas station I used to work at (once again fuck you) and Last Caress comes on and a customer says, "That's a   horrible Metallica cover". The Mrs. is at work and is playing Planet Caravan from Black Sabbath and a customer comes up to her and says, "That is a horrible Pantera cover". She informs him that what he is hearing is a Black Sabbath song and he does not believe her... he was wearing a Slipknot shirt. I'm at work listening to Megadeth's Mechanix  and a customer says, "Why are they playing The Four Horsemen that way"? I'm at work once again, listening to Slayer's Hell Awaits and a customer says, "Wow they really ripped off Rage Against The Machine". What fucking planet are you mongoloids from? Is there no human goddamn decency anymore? I wish I could go back in a time machine and  have a chat with Hitler. I would convince him that instead of exterminating the Jews, he should exterminate you fucktards. Btw, my Grandfather fought Nazis in WW2, so I can say that.

Blitzkrieg is a song from the band Blitzkrieg. Now you die!

So back to Metallica and that angry fire crotch... Don't get me wrong, I love Megadeth. I would fist fight anyone that ever talked shit about them. My bald buddy Adrian actually got his nose broken with a construction level because he refused to take off his Killing is My Business....And Business is Good tshirt. That is fucking metal right there. However I don't think Mustaine belonged in Metallica and I don't think he was really that important in Metallica's rise to metal domination. Usually this is when everyone goes, "What the fuck Shredasaurus, he wrote Kill'em All"! No he did'int you fucking idiots, he co-wrote 4 songs out of 10. If you did the math, you would come to the conclusion that he was 1 song short of helping out on half the album. So now you hit me with your rebuttal, "Kirk Hammet played all his solos you dumbass"! Goddamn, where is the Fuhrer when you need him? If you ever saw old vids of Metallica with Mustaine in the band, you would realize his solo's sucked ass. He played guitar like Michael J. Fox would, yeah his hand was moving fast but it made no goddamn sense. Metallica usually plays in E, the 12th fret on your high E string is also an E.  Just because Hammett started on that fret doesn't mean he is playing Mustaine's solos. This is kindergarten pentatonic guitar stuff, oh I forgot you like Slipknot and don't know what a pentatonic scale is. Mustaine was in the band for 10 months, not even a year and 30 years later he is still bitching about Metallica. I can't even get 10 people to go to my show, you are in fucking Megadeth. What is your problem?! You wrote Peace Sells, Rust in Peace and Countdown to name a few. You are a metal god! Stop bitching! On Metallica's Ride the Lightning, Mustaine has 2 song credits. For Ride and Ktulu.... that's it. The clean chord progression in Ktulu Mustaine wrote. So your progression is used for 45 seconds in that song. What about the other 8 fucking minutes that the rest of the song is?

That nose is because of you Mustaine.

Without Mustaine's help Metallica went on to record Master of Puppets and .....And Justice For All.  Now you idiots go," Metallica wouldn't have sold out if Mustaine was in the band". Yeah Metallica recorded Load and Reload, but Mustaine also went on to record Youthanasia, Cryptic Writings and Risk.....so eat a dick. The bottom line is that there would be no Megadeth if his ass wasn't kicked out. A world without Megadeth is like a world were you have to have herpes first in order to have sex. It would still be cool, but just wouldn't feel right. I'm tired, drunk and emotionally vulnerable so I'm gonna go to Jack in the Box and go to sleep. Adios.

The instrument of doom.....

No one wants to play bass, this is a fact. Unless your Black of course and even then you only do it because that is what's expected of you. Just like eating poultry and robbing people. I kid I kid (not really). Dark humor aside, no one want's to play this fucking thing. Do people want AIDS? No, but they seem to get it anyway. That's kinda how it is with bass, you don't wanna get one but you do. Most people give no credit to the low end and I can see why. Usually you can't hear it on albums or live and who the fuck wants to play on 4 strings when you can play 6? You either play bass because you're a guitarist and no guitar slots were open in your band or more commonly you are just an idiot. Now I'm a guitarist and I always disliked the bass but I hated drummers more. They get to sit down the whole set, lazy bastards. Anyway, one day I find myself joining a band with my compadres, or so I thought they were until they made me do this, and you know what they tell me? The mighty Shredasaurus? The man with long hair, side burns, Thrash pants and a dick the size of Vern Troyer's pinky finger? They tell me I need to play bass because the guitars are already taken. What kind of fucked up Twilight Zone shit is that? Being a guitarist I realized I was a supreme being in instrument land and now I was being knocked down a peg. I guess I can compare it to finding out your penis is just an over sized clitoris, not that I know or anything. Hmm....So I end up buying a bass and at the first practice I am told, "Groove with this riff". Now what in the hell does that mean I thought to myself while the tears swelled up inside me. After the "deer in the headlights" look left my face, I attempted to groove like I've never grooved before and oh did I fail. It must have been comical to watch because I wasn't fooling anyone, not even the tone deaf drummer. They told me I did a good job when I knew that they really wanted to say, "Haha, fucking bass players". After I left practice I did what any full grown man would do after failing worse than Megadeth's Risk album. I cried myself to sleep. After the weeping and binge eating was I over, I practiced day and night to unlock the enigma of this very unfamiliar thing. I always thought this shit instrument followed the root notes, but I was dead wrong. I had to stand out from the band and I didn't want to dress like an illegal Mexican in order to do it.

Proof the internet has everything you need.

After the initial repulsion and disgust with myself subsided, I realized that the bass wasn't too bad. It was kind of fun actually. I enjoyed my over sized clitoris and played with it non stop. I figured out how to groove and not just follow the guitar lines. As much as I tried denying this to myself, I came to the conclusion that the bass was way cooler than the guitar. While the guitars are holding out chords I get to play arpeggios and other awesomeness. No one can fucking hear it, but I know that I'm doing it. The bass is the backbone of any band and I like it. I'm keeping the rhythm section going while the guitarists are pointing at the crowd and making O faces constantly. Fuck that, I wanna shred! The bass does just that, I don't have the luxury of holding chords anymore I gotta keep the beat going and live up to my epic name. Playing bass with a pick is looked down upon in many bass circles, but I play with one so it's ok. Playing with your fingers doesn't have the sharp attack I like and I can't play with them even if I wanted to, so there. I always looked up to Rhoads, Friedman, Hammet, Waters etc...but now I find myself caring more about Ellefson, Burton, Harris, Butler and Digiorgio. They bring so much too the music, but sadly it can't really be heard. Ah the life of a bassist. Now there are the bass players that just follow the root notes, but they suck. They are kinda like that girl you fuck and she just lays there in a drunken stupor. No fun I tell you. So when I'm not bumping tacos with the female species, I spend my time playing the bass. I still play the guitar frequently to make sure I don't lose that skill, but bass is just more interesting. So that's my bass story, I can't believe you've read this far. Congratulations. In closing next time you're at a show or listening to music, listen for the bass. You'll be surprised at what we do.

I take it back. We make O faces too.

Frostbitten grimness........

So you think you're grim huh? You just bought Cradle of Filth's last ass fest, you wear an upside cross and you paint your face like a pedophile clown. Impressive as you may be to little girls discovering the bloody slaughter flow from their lady parts for the first time, you are no doubt failing to impress anyone else and you look like a goddamn idiot. Now you may be saying to yourself, "But Shredasaurus, YOU look like an idiot. You wear girl pants for fucks sake!" While I have been made fun of many times for my pants in the past, I would like to state that I wear THRASH pants! Not girl pants or emo pants, so feel free to go fuck yourself now. Finding my way back on topic, I am very saddened and slightly depressed to see a lot of Black Metal "fans" wearing nothing but Dimmu Borgir shirts, Dani Filth lipstick and being under the assumption Sons of Northern Darkness is Immortal's first album. This is not grim or frostbitten in anyway and you need to be educated, unfortunately by yours truly.

THRASH pants...

Ideally, Black Metal should contain church burnings, murder, member suicides, a hatred for humanity and above all else a constant frown. A lot of bands get flack for playing Black Metal and wearing corpse paint out side of the icy land known as Norway, but that is silly considering Sarcofago was wearing that shit way before a lot of their fish eating comrades were even thinking about it, so score one for the tropical people. The first wave of Black Metal contains bands like Venom and Mercyful Fate and in my opinion (which is fact) I don't think they have shit to do with Black Metal except for singing about our dear friend Satan. As we know (or don't) the term "Black Metal" came from Venom's debut album, so I guess that's something. In the first wave we also had Bathory and Sarcofago. As soon as humanly possible go listen to Sarcofago's I.N.R.I or Rotting, its a grim Sepultura and you won't be disappointed. The second wave of Black Metal is when all the bands we know and love came on to the map. Emperor, Immortal, Darkthorne, Burzum, Mayhem, Satyricon etc... Let's look at Mayhem first. I like this band, I have their t shirt and I listen to their music when I work out on the elliptical machine flanked by old ladies. Apparently real men use treadmills because I'm the only asshole that gets on the elliptical machine. Gym politics aside, I only like early Mayhem and can't really get into anything after De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas. Dead killing himself while wearing a "I love Transylvania" shirt is pretty epic and Varg murdering Euronymous is pretty ridiculous. I don't care who you are, but if you're gonna stab me I'll be damned if I'm going to let you do it while I'm just in a pair of whitey tighties. I would at least ask for a time out so I can put on a pair of (thrash) pants and die with a shred of dignity. I have beef with Euronymous because I was reading an interview and he kept talking shit about Metallica and that their gay blah blah blah. Then why Mr. E is there a picture of you in your room standing in front of a huge picture of Kirk Hammett? On a side note, I think Maniac is a blatant homosexual. Lets talk about something a little more important now. Emperor is the coolest Black Metal band ever and I don't care what Jesse or Patrick have to say about it. You've got Faust who murdered some gay dude, Samoth likes to burn down churches and Mortiis turned into a techno troll wizard. Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk, other wise known as "Too Fucking Long to Say" is a perfect execution of all things grim and cold. Emperor is equal parts musicianship, Satanic greatness and chain mail. I love them.  Emperor was my introduction to Black Metal many frozen moons ago and I am very thankful for that.You can't really go wrong with any Emperor album, their early stuff is best but their newer stuff is still grim. Emperor recorded In the Nightside Eclipse when they were 17/18 years old and they managed to shit on everyone.

I'd stab you to if I saw you dressed like that

 One of my favorite Black Metal albums is Darkthrone's A Blaze in the Northern Sky. This album makes me want to walk through the woods in the dead of night while dressed like a goddamn Viking. Not to mention Track 2 has a fucking cowbell on it. While not technically as proficient on their instruments as Emperor, Darkthone's early stuff is pure Black Metal. "Blaze" also has the best album cover of all time. If I saw a black metal dude flying through the night sky in corpse paint, I would no doubt be found dead in the fetal position the next morning. Immortal's Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism is their best album. Before Abbath started singing like Popeye the Sailor Man, he was screeching like Gary Busey in an alcoholic rage. If you saw Immortal during this era, which you didn't, you would also have been mercifully denied the sight of  Horgh's sweaty gut in your face.  Blizzard Beasts, Pure Holocaust and even Damned in Black  are great, but nothing beats Immortals debut. Not to mention back in the day they wore witch hats and Demonaz was quoted saying "Fasten your frost belts" at the end of an interview. Lets get out of Norway for a second and move on to the land that Swedish Meatballs were named after. Quite honestly, Sweden is pretty useless when countries are concerned. They don't fight wars, they think clog's are proper footwear and their greatest gift to the free world is Abba. If only you had a "th" at the end.....Despite Sweden's utter lack of coolness, they have managed to give us Dissection and that sexy ass bitch Victoria Silvstedt. Dissection's Storm of the Light's Bane is a must have album, not The Somberlain. I really enjoy the latter, but it doesn't hold a black candle to "Storm". Jon Nodtveidt was a super grim guy and it showed in Dissection's music. He played a white Flying V, had a werewolf tattoo, and he killed himself for the Dark Lord. Those reasons are enough for you to get off your lazy ass, stop reading this grammar nightmare and buy one of their albums. I don't really feel like writing anymore so get out a pen and paper and write these bands down. Taake, Old Man's Child, Absurd (if you're a nazi), Satyricon, Morbid and Carpathian Forest. I already know what you're saying: "Old Man's Child, are you gay? Galder is in Dimmu". Go listen to Born of the Flickering or the Pagan Prosperity and then you'll realize you are the fag and Faust should have dispatched of you long ago. Now get your witch hat, hold some ice cubes and watch this:

Spread your legs I'll seed your eggs...

Now you may think I'm a huge Type O Negative fan, considering my blog is all green and I have beautiful hair. Well the truth is, I'm not. I do have their first album though, Slow Deep and Hard, which the title I imagine has something to do with churning butter, plunging a toilet, or god forbid... fucking. Who knows? What I do know is a lot of us are sad that Peter Steele is dead. Most people will remember him as the blubbering jellyfish whose voice was sexy enough to turn you gay and whose imposing figure reminded you of a tweaked out Frankenstein. Although Mr. Steele managed to turn his entire Type O fan base into one big shoulder for him to weep on, this article is NOT about the None More Negative. This is about his band before Type O Negative, back when he was a fuck beast who showed no mercy and dressed like a viking. Before he was in Playgirl and was considered hot sexy stuff. This is about Carnivore!

Hot sexy stuff.

 Carnivore is definitely not as well known as you know who, but they are infinitely better.  They only released two albums in the mid 80's, but those albums are enough to make you question why you ever talked shit about this scary looking man. Carnivore's self titled debut is a great thrashy album which touches on nuclear fallout, rape, war and motorcycles. There is absolutely nothing else you need in a album. When Peter Steele screams he wants to eat your pussy in track 2, you almost wish you were of the female species so he could trace the alphabet on you. I take it back, you don't wish for it... you fucking want it. The song Male Supremacy is the soundtrack to every man's dream. You go off to war, murder a bunch of people, smash a bunch of girls, and then you come home and fuck your girlfriend and she doesn't care because you are a fucking badass. OMG girlfriend, that is awesome. This is also the time when Peter Steele gave a shit about playing bass and didn't just stand on stage in a drunken Jagermeister stupor.

Don't be fooled by the bandanna. He WILL rape you.

Carnivore's 2nd album, Retaliation, is more influenced by New York hardcore than it is thrash. The opening track, Jack Daniels and Pizza, is about 55 seconds of Peter Steele puking in a toilet. This was the first listening experience I had with this band and I don't regret it. After you get past the vomit, this album is a audio orgasm. I bought this album on the advice of my brother Matt and after the first spin I have considered Peter Steele a god.  You will too once you listen to it. This album is a non stop sonic assault that would even make your Nazi Grandmother move to the Jew loving state of New York. Sadly after this album, Carnivore didn't make any more records and Peter Steele formed Type O Negative. A couple years ago I heard rumors that Carnivore would come out with a new album. Now we know that can never happen because someone had to go off and die. Speaking of dying, the original Carnivore guitarist died in a bicycle accident in 2005. Alas we are left with two of the best metal albums in existence, that no one has ever heard of go figure. Awhile back I was working at a gas station (yeah yeah fuck you) and had Carnivore playing on the radio. While I was at the counter selling minors condoms and cigarettes, some Mormons came in and shopped around the store. As I was ringing up their Teddy Grahams and non caffeinated cola's, Carnivore's God is Dead came on the CD player. The terror in their eyes was such that I can only compare it to you walking in on your dead sister fist fucking your grandfather while the family dog watched on in amazement. Yes, it was a funny thing to see. I hope you guys check out this band after you read this, you will worship me for all eternity because I have introduced you to something great. In closing I'd like to thank Peter Steele for being a funny douchebag, making some awesome music, and I hope it's not to lonely for you 6 feet down.

The band no one seems to care for.......

So we all know, unless you're a fucking moron, who the Big 4 are. Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax are the thrash bands that all metal fans have bowed down to at some point in their life. Metallica and Megadeth are the reason you play guitar in your shitty band, while Anthrax and Slayer are the reason you like to wear Indian war paint while you read the Satanic Bible in your Grandmother's basement. As you know, I hope, there are many other great thrash bands out there. One in particular didn't get the glory I think they deserve. We'll get to that in a bit.

What do you mean I have tits? I work out everyday.

Most of the thrash bands from that era had varying amounts of success. I'm assuming you don't wear white leather jackets and say "sweet bro" more than twice a day, so I'm not going to waste my time telling you every damn thrash band that was around back then. A lot of the thrash bands that played with the Metallica's of the world would never make it as big. They still tour now but play lame clubs, make little money and go back to their job at KFC after they arrive home. Yes they are the guys serving you macaroni and biscuits while they curse the day they told their fathers, "No! This is who I am, I don't want to go to college!" The Big 4  somehow evaded the shame of working for Colonel Sanders and managed to play music for a living. By the unholy will of the whore we call Fate, everything worked in their favor. Well, either its Fate or they gave enough quarters to the Salvation Army Santa Clause, that for some reason smells of rum and regret, to ensure their success in life. I have no doubt Kerry King is very happy with his circumstances, now this chubby little man gets the fat sucked from his dick every night by a trailer trash groupie. And yes to answer your next question, there is no God.

Watch the spikes bitch. 

I know by now all of you reading this are shaking from anticipation from who this mystery band will be. Unfortunately this band was left out, kind of like the retarded kid who wants to join the game of spin the bottle, from really continuing their success. No it's not Exodus, Forbidden, or Death Angel. *Drum Roll*........ It's mother fucking Testament. I know you're screaming at the computer now, raising your fists in the air while cursing the gods demanding why it is not Exodus. Well for one, Exodus isn't Testament. Chuck Billy fucking rules! Testament should have the same success as the Big 4. Have you guys ever heard The Legacy or The New Order. That shit is epic. Just as epic as when you were handed your macaroni and biscuits from Jeff Waters today for lunch. No question about it. Testament was mighty big in the late 80's and early 90's and then something happened. People stopped liking them so much. Maybe it was The Ritual or maybe because they became heavier in the 90's, unlike their comrades in the Big 4. Who knows...but it's bullshit! Chuck Billy looks like Pocahontas on steroids dressed ready to fight. If that isn't enough he has the best thrash voice of them all. Alex Skolnick, extra points for the hot pink guitar, is one the best if not the best thrash lead there is. Eric Peterson can't be touched on rhythm and he plays in a Black Metal band. Greg Christian looks awesome in leather jackets and Louie Clemente makes furniture. Come on guys, Eerie Inhabitants, Into the Pit, Nightmare, Souls of Black. These songs are legendary. I have had people tell me that they sound to clean, Chuck Billy's vocals suck and that they are just a rip off of Metallica. I would like the record to state these people should be deprived of intercourse.  Btw, Alex Skolnick > Kirk Hammett.  I saw Megadeth and Testament in concert last year and during Testament's set some guy came up to me and asked who they were. Point made. The idiocy of that question still gives me nightmares. Watch this video and just agree with me.