Shit....

I don't have a computer at the moment, hence the lack of posts. Hopefully I can get something posted for you idiots to read. Be patient.

Practice makes perfect.....

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Not Very Metal........

Before I start, I'd like to make a public service announcement. My blog is starting to pick up speed and I'd like to give a shout out to some of the countries that are checking out my shit. Ahem....Germany, Ireland, Brazil, Mexico, Finland, Canada and Japan to name a few. I'd like to give a special thanks to Japan for reading my shit cause I know it's hard to work a laptop under water, you kamikaze fucks. Anyway, I forgot what I was gonna write about because I'm hanging out with my first love. What's her name you ask? Heineken. Oh yes, I'm gonna bore you with a genre of "metal" that really pisses me off. To me Metal is Metal, if that makes sense. Black, Thrash, Death, Crossover, Doom, Gore, Power, and you know...Heavy. Somehow a very faggish, yes I just made that word up, style of music was lumped into the music we hold near and dear to our decrepit hearts. We all have embarrassing music we listen to (Coldplay) and things we'd rather people not know we enjoy (Bestiality) but this kinda music is just bullshit. There is no excuse for people to jam this music! Every time I watch a VH1 "Top 100 Metal Bands" countdown, these goddamn bands are always on the list. What The Shredasaurus is talking about, a.k.a. your God, is Glam Metal.

Howl is this metal?

Forget the goddamn werewolf for a second if you can, I need to touch on a few points with this picture. First off, the guy in the back left looks like Liza Minnelli after chemotherapy treatment, on top of that he is wearing a goddamn WWF championship belt. Actually that's all I needed to say....and I made you scroll back up to verify. I rule. Glam as we know was very popular in the 80's, just like being black, gay and contracting AIDS. Thankfully Glam ended up dying off just like gay negros....chill I'm just kidding. No I'm not....... Getting black on topic, I can't comprehend the word "Metal" after the word "Glam". That's the biggest oxymoron I've ever heard after "Women's Rights", "Virgin Mary" (you know you've been fucked bitch), or "Shredasaurus = Big Dick". It just doesn't make any goddamn sense. Someone hit the goddamn pause button, I gotta piss...... Ok, I'm back. For one, metal isn't supposed to be played by pretty people (I'm an exception) and you would know this if you ever saw a picture of Nicko Mcbrain from Iron Maiden. Wearing more make up than your sister and donning hot pink "spank me" pants just doesn't portray the raging masculinity that say Rob Halford exudes.....hmmm.....More importantly, Glam bands lack all the necessary ingredients that the metal genre demands. Where is the speed, aggression or don't give a fuck attitude? It's not there, unless you count Tommy Lee throwing rice at a China woman at the end of the Too Young to Fall in Love video, which might be counted.......other than that blatant lack of respect for chink eyed people, I don't see it anywhere else. Who likes Chinks anyway? Yeah they helped build our railroads, but their food is too salty and dicks to small.....I think I might have Chinese blood in me. Ancestory.com here I come. 

Pictured: Nicko Mcbrain.

Fuck I'm funny. Anyway I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about right now. Those of you who read this, which I think is only me, know that I just drunkenly rant. On the topic of alcohol, have you kids ever drank a six pack of Heineken and then a six pack of Newcastle right after? Try it, your inner genius will come out. Make sure you drive afterwards though to feel the full effect. Sooo......when you hear Poison, Motley Crue, Winger (love the chest hair) or even goddamn Ratt, do you guys feel it's Metal? I'll speak for you, no it fucking isn't. I remember playing Megadeth's Set the World Afire off of So Far, So Good... So What! and a friend of mine (female of course) couldn't hear the difference in that song and Poison's Talk Dirty Too Me. What in the holy fuck!? You know when Walter in The Big Lebowski is shouting "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!"? That's how I felt at that moment. People are too idiotic for their own good. I'm done writing..... yes I know I didn't even really talk about our topic tonight, but it's Glam so who gives a fuck?.....I have more important things to do right now, like hang out with my girlfriend Jenna Haze tonight. Yes, it's a lonely world. Goddamn, I love this video though...

A Public Service Announcement.....

Fuck my life. I'm working on a post for you fags to read, be patient.

The Thing That Should Not Be......

Alright, so I haven't written a post in awhile. To be honest I haven't really felt the need to since no one reads this piece of shit anyway. I'm drinking beer however so here we go. When you have a blog here, you get a world map of countries that have looked at your blog and I noticed some dude from Costa Rica took a look at my page. Thanks for looking man, but I find it strange that you did because I didn't know your shit third world country had the internet. Anyway, I'm gonna write about a a very controversial subject that will piss many people off and to be quite honest I don't give a fuck because you are wrong and I am always right. I know I'm gonna get hate mail and every one is gonna stop reading my blog (all 118 of you, isn't that fucking pathetic?) but it needs to be said. The topic we are gonna cover today has to do with a band called Metallica and a fellow who used to be in this band. You wanna hint? Alright. His name starts with Dave and ends with Mustaine. For those in the know, Dave Mustaine was in Metallica before Kill'em All came out. You would think this was common knowledge, but over and over again the human race has failed miserably with all things logical and important, so I have to throw it out there for the kid in the Slipknot shirt who is reading this. Pause this topic, I'm going into a rant (which I'm already doing, so it's a rant within a rant). I play The Misfits at the gas station I used to work at (once again fuck you) and Last Caress comes on and a customer says, "That's a   horrible Metallica cover". The Mrs. is at work and is playing Planet Caravan from Black Sabbath and a customer comes up to her and says, "That is a horrible Pantera cover". She informs him that what he is hearing is a Black Sabbath song and he does not believe her... he was wearing a Slipknot shirt. I'm at work listening to Megadeth's Mechanix  and a customer says, "Why are they playing The Four Horsemen that way"? I'm at work once again, listening to Slayer's Hell Awaits and a customer says, "Wow they really ripped off Rage Against The Machine". What fucking planet are you mongoloids from? Is there no human goddamn decency anymore? I wish I could go back in a time machine and  have a chat with Hitler. I would convince him that instead of exterminating the Jews, he should exterminate you fucktards. Btw, my Grandfather fought Nazis in WW2, so I can say that.

Blitzkrieg is a song from the band Blitzkrieg. Now you die!

So back to Metallica and that angry fire crotch... Don't get me wrong, I love Megadeth. I would fist fight anyone that ever talked shit about them. My bald buddy Adrian actually got his nose broken with a construction level because he refused to take off his Killing is My Business....And Business is Good tshirt. That is fucking metal right there. However I don't think Mustaine belonged in Metallica and I don't think he was really that important in Metallica's rise to metal domination. Usually this is when everyone goes, "What the fuck Shredasaurus, he wrote Kill'em All"! No he did'int you fucking idiots, he co-wrote 4 songs out of 10. If you did the math, you would come to the conclusion that he was 1 song short of helping out on half the album. So now you hit me with your rebuttal, "Kirk Hammet played all his solos you dumbass"! Goddamn, where is the Fuhrer when you need him? If you ever saw old vids of Metallica with Mustaine in the band, you would realize his solo's sucked ass. He played guitar like Michael J. Fox would, yeah his hand was moving fast but it made no goddamn sense. Metallica usually plays in E, the 12th fret on your high E string is also an E.  Just because Hammett started on that fret doesn't mean he is playing Mustaine's solos. This is kindergarten pentatonic guitar stuff, oh I forgot you like Slipknot and don't know what a pentatonic scale is. Mustaine was in the band for 10 months, not even a year and 30 years later he is still bitching about Metallica. I can't even get 10 people to go to my show, you are in fucking Megadeth. What is your problem?! You wrote Peace Sells, Rust in Peace and Countdown to name a few. You are a metal god! Stop bitching! On Metallica's Ride the Lightning, Mustaine has 2 song credits. For Ride and Ktulu.... that's it. The clean chord progression in Ktulu Mustaine wrote. So your progression is used for 45 seconds in that song. What about the other 8 fucking minutes that the rest of the song is?

That nose is because of you Mustaine.

Without Mustaine's help Metallica went on to record Master of Puppets and .....And Justice For All.  Now you idiots go," Metallica wouldn't have sold out if Mustaine was in the band". Yeah Metallica recorded Load and Reload, but Mustaine also went on to record Youthanasia, Cryptic Writings and Risk.....so eat a dick. The bottom line is that there would be no Megadeth if his ass wasn't kicked out. A world without Megadeth is like a world were you have to have herpes first in order to have sex. It would still be cool, but just wouldn't feel right. I'm tired, drunk and emotionally vulnerable so I'm gonna go to Jack in the Box and go to sleep. Adios.

The instrument of doom.....

No one wants to play bass, this is a fact. Unless your Black of course and even then you only do it because that is what's expected of you. Just like eating poultry and robbing people. I kid I kid (not really). Dark humor aside, no one want's to play this fucking thing. Do people want AIDS? No, but they seem to get it anyway. That's kinda how it is with bass, you don't wanna get one but you do. Most people give no credit to the low end and I can see why. Usually you can't hear it on albums or live and who the fuck wants to play on 4 strings when you can play 6? You either play bass because you're a guitarist and no guitar slots were open in your band or more commonly you are just an idiot. Now I'm a guitarist and I always disliked the bass but I hated drummers more. They get to sit down the whole set, lazy bastards. Anyway, one day I find myself joining a band with my compadres, or so I thought they were until they made me do this, and you know what they tell me? The mighty Shredasaurus? The man with long hair, side burns, Thrash pants and a dick the size of Vern Troyer's pinky finger? They tell me I need to play bass because the guitars are already taken. What kind of fucked up Twilight Zone shit is that? Being a guitarist I realized I was a supreme being in instrument land and now I was being knocked down a peg. I guess I can compare it to finding out your penis is just an over sized clitoris, not that I know or anything. Hmm....So I end up buying a bass and at the first practice I am told, "Groove with this riff". Now what in the hell does that mean I thought to myself while the tears swelled up inside me. After the "deer in the headlights" look left my face, I attempted to groove like I've never grooved before and oh did I fail. It must have been comical to watch because I wasn't fooling anyone, not even the tone deaf drummer. They told me I did a good job when I knew that they really wanted to say, "Haha, fucking bass players". After I left practice I did what any full grown man would do after failing worse than Megadeth's Risk album. I cried myself to sleep. After the weeping and binge eating was I over, I practiced day and night to unlock the enigma of this very unfamiliar thing. I always thought this shit instrument followed the root notes, but I was dead wrong. I had to stand out from the band and I didn't want to dress like an illegal Mexican in order to do it.

Proof the internet has everything you need.

After the initial repulsion and disgust with myself subsided, I realized that the bass wasn't too bad. It was kind of fun actually. I enjoyed my over sized clitoris and played with it non stop. I figured out how to groove and not just follow the guitar lines. As much as I tried denying this to myself, I came to the conclusion that the bass was way cooler than the guitar. While the guitars are holding out chords I get to play arpeggios and other awesomeness. No one can fucking hear it, but I know that I'm doing it. The bass is the backbone of any band and I like it. I'm keeping the rhythm section going while the guitarists are pointing at the crowd and making O faces constantly. Fuck that, I wanna shred! The bass does just that, I don't have the luxury of holding chords anymore I gotta keep the beat going and live up to my epic name. Playing bass with a pick is looked down upon in many bass circles, but I play with one so it's ok. Playing with your fingers doesn't have the sharp attack I like and I can't play with them even if I wanted to, so there. I always looked up to Rhoads, Friedman, Hammet, Waters etc...but now I find myself caring more about Ellefson, Burton, Harris, Butler and Digiorgio. They bring so much too the music, but sadly it can't really be heard. Ah the life of a bassist. Now there are the bass players that just follow the root notes, but they suck. They are kinda like that girl you fuck and she just lays there in a drunken stupor. No fun I tell you. So when I'm not bumping tacos with the female species, I spend my time playing the bass. I still play the guitar frequently to make sure I don't lose that skill, but bass is just more interesting. So that's my bass story, I can't believe you've read this far. Congratulations. In closing next time you're at a show or listening to music, listen for the bass. You'll be surprised at what we do.

I take it back. We make O faces too.

Frostbitten grimness........

So you think you're grim huh? You just bought Cradle of Filth's last ass fest, you wear an upside cross and you paint your face like a pedophile clown. Impressive as you may be to little girls discovering the bloody slaughter flow from their lady parts for the first time, you are no doubt failing to impress anyone else and you look like a goddamn idiot. Now you may be saying to yourself, "But Shredasaurus, YOU look like an idiot. You wear girl pants for fucks sake!" While I have been made fun of many times for my pants in the past, I would like to state that I wear THRASH pants! Not girl pants or emo pants, so feel free to go fuck yourself now. Finding my way back on topic, I am very saddened and slightly depressed to see a lot of Black Metal "fans" wearing nothing but Dimmu Borgir shirts, Dani Filth lipstick and being under the assumption Sons of Northern Darkness is Immortal's first album. This is not grim or frostbitten in anyway and you need to be educated, unfortunately by yours truly.

THRASH pants...

Ideally, Black Metal should contain church burnings, murder, member suicides, a hatred for humanity and above all else a constant frown. A lot of bands get flack for playing Black Metal and wearing corpse paint out side of the icy land known as Norway, but that is silly considering Sarcofago was wearing that shit way before a lot of their fish eating comrades were even thinking about it, so score one for the tropical people. The first wave of Black Metal contains bands like Venom and Mercyful Fate and in my opinion (which is fact) I don't think they have shit to do with Black Metal except for singing about our dear friend Satan. As we know (or don't) the term "Black Metal" came from Venom's debut album, so I guess that's something. In the first wave we also had Bathory and Sarcofago. As soon as humanly possible go listen to Sarcofago's I.N.R.I or Rotting, its a grim Sepultura and you won't be disappointed. The second wave of Black Metal is when all the bands we know and love came on to the map. Emperor, Immortal, Darkthorne, Burzum, Mayhem, Satyricon etc... Let's look at Mayhem first. I like this band, I have their t shirt and I listen to their music when I work out on the elliptical machine flanked by old ladies. Apparently real men use treadmills because I'm the only asshole that gets on the elliptical machine. Gym politics aside, I only like early Mayhem and can't really get into anything after De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas. Dead killing himself while wearing a "I love Transylvania" shirt is pretty epic and Varg murdering Euronymous is pretty ridiculous. I don't care who you are, but if you're gonna stab me I'll be damned if I'm going to let you do it while I'm just in a pair of whitey tighties. I would at least ask for a time out so I can put on a pair of (thrash) pants and die with a shred of dignity. I have beef with Euronymous because I was reading an interview and he kept talking shit about Metallica and that their gay blah blah blah. Then why Mr. E is there a picture of you in your room standing in front of a huge picture of Kirk Hammett? On a side note, I think Maniac is a blatant homosexual. Lets talk about something a little more important now. Emperor is the coolest Black Metal band ever and I don't care what Jesse or Patrick have to say about it. You've got Faust who murdered some gay dude, Samoth likes to burn down churches and Mortiis turned into a techno troll wizard. Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk, other wise known as "Too Fucking Long to Say" is a perfect execution of all things grim and cold. Emperor is equal parts musicianship, Satanic greatness and chain mail. I love them.  Emperor was my introduction to Black Metal many frozen moons ago and I am very thankful for that.You can't really go wrong with any Emperor album, their early stuff is best but their newer stuff is still grim. Emperor recorded In the Nightside Eclipse when they were 17/18 years old and they managed to shit on everyone.

I'd stab you to if I saw you dressed like that

 One of my favorite Black Metal albums is Darkthrone's A Blaze in the Northern Sky. This album makes me want to walk through the woods in the dead of night while dressed like a goddamn Viking. Not to mention Track 2 has a fucking cowbell on it. While not technically as proficient on their instruments as Emperor, Darkthone's early stuff is pure Black Metal. "Blaze" also has the best album cover of all time. If I saw a black metal dude flying through the night sky in corpse paint, I would no doubt be found dead in the fetal position the next morning. Immortal's Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism is their best album. Before Abbath started singing like Popeye the Sailor Man, he was screeching like Gary Busey in an alcoholic rage. If you saw Immortal during this era, which you didn't, you would also have been mercifully denied the sight of  Horgh's sweaty gut in your face.  Blizzard Beasts, Pure Holocaust and even Damned in Black  are great, but nothing beats Immortals debut. Not to mention back in the day they wore witch hats and Demonaz was quoted saying "Fasten your frost belts" at the end of an interview. Lets get out of Norway for a second and move on to the land that Swedish Meatballs were named after. Quite honestly, Sweden is pretty useless when countries are concerned. They don't fight wars, they think clog's are proper footwear and their greatest gift to the free world is Abba. If only you had a "th" at the end.....Despite Sweden's utter lack of coolness, they have managed to give us Dissection and that sexy ass bitch Victoria Silvstedt. Dissection's Storm of the Light's Bane is a must have album, not The Somberlain. I really enjoy the latter, but it doesn't hold a black candle to "Storm". Jon Nodtveidt was a super grim guy and it showed in Dissection's music. He played a white Flying V, had a werewolf tattoo, and he killed himself for the Dark Lord. Those reasons are enough for you to get off your lazy ass, stop reading this grammar nightmare and buy one of their albums. I don't really feel like writing anymore so get out a pen and paper and write these bands down. Taake, Old Man's Child, Absurd (if you're a nazi), Satyricon, Morbid and Carpathian Forest. I already know what you're saying: "Old Man's Child, are you gay? Galder is in Dimmu". Go listen to Born of the Flickering or the Pagan Prosperity and then you'll realize you are the fag and Faust should have dispatched of you long ago. Now get your witch hat, hold some ice cubes and watch this: