Not Very Metal........

Before I start, I'd like to make a public service announcement. My blog is starting to pick up speed and I'd like to give a shout out to some of the countries that are checking out my shit. Ahem....Germany, Ireland, Brazil, Mexico, Finland, Canada and Japan to name a few. I'd like to give a special thanks to Japan for reading my shit cause I know it's hard to work a laptop under water, you kamikaze fucks. Anyway, I forgot what I was gonna write about because I'm hanging out with my first love. What's her name you ask? Heineken. Oh yes, I'm gonna bore you with a genre of "metal" that really pisses me off. To me Metal is Metal, if that makes sense. Black, Thrash, Death, Crossover, Doom, Gore, Power, and you know...Heavy. Somehow a very faggish, yes I just made that word up, style of music was lumped into the music we hold near and dear to our decrepit hearts. We all have embarrassing music we listen to (Coldplay) and things we'd rather people not know we enjoy (Bestiality) but this kinda music is just bullshit. There is no excuse for people to jam this music! Every time I watch a VH1 "Top 100 Metal Bands" countdown, these goddamn bands are always on the list. What The Shredasaurus is talking about, a.k.a. your God, is Glam Metal.

Howl is this metal?

Forget the goddamn werewolf for a second if you can, I need to touch on a few points with this picture. First off, the guy in the back left looks like Liza Minnelli after chemotherapy treatment, on top of that he is wearing a goddamn WWF championship belt. Actually that's all I needed to say....and I made you scroll back up to verify. I rule. Glam as we know was very popular in the 80's, just like being black, gay and contracting AIDS. Thankfully Glam ended up dying off just like gay negros....chill I'm just kidding. No I'm not....... Getting black on topic, I can't comprehend the word "Metal" after the word "Glam". That's the biggest oxymoron I've ever heard after "Women's Rights", "Virgin Mary" (you know you've been fucked bitch), or "Shredasaurus = Big Dick". It just doesn't make any goddamn sense. Someone hit the goddamn pause button, I gotta piss...... Ok, I'm back. For one, metal isn't supposed to be played by pretty people (I'm an exception) and you would know this if you ever saw a picture of Nicko Mcbrain from Iron Maiden. Wearing more make up than your sister and donning hot pink "spank me" pants just doesn't portray the raging masculinity that say Rob Halford exudes.....hmmm.....More importantly, Glam bands lack all the necessary ingredients that the metal genre demands. Where is the speed, aggression or don't give a fuck attitude? It's not there, unless you count Tommy Lee throwing rice at a China woman at the end of the Too Young to Fall in Love video, which might be counted.......other than that blatant lack of respect for chink eyed people, I don't see it anywhere else. Who likes Chinks anyway? Yeah they helped build our railroads, but their food is too salty and dicks to small.....I think I might have Chinese blood in me. Ancestory.com here I come. 

Pictured: Nicko Mcbrain.

Fuck I'm funny. Anyway I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about right now. Those of you who read this, which I think is only me, know that I just drunkenly rant. On the topic of alcohol, have you kids ever drank a six pack of Heineken and then a six pack of Newcastle right after? Try it, your inner genius will come out. Make sure you drive afterwards though to feel the full effect. Sooo......when you hear Poison, Motley Crue, Winger (love the chest hair) or even goddamn Ratt, do you guys feel it's Metal? I'll speak for you, no it fucking isn't. I remember playing Megadeth's Set the World Afire off of So Far, So Good... So What! and a friend of mine (female of course) couldn't hear the difference in that song and Poison's Talk Dirty Too Me. What in the holy fuck!? You know when Walter in The Big Lebowski is shouting "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!"? That's how I felt at that moment. People are too idiotic for their own good. I'm done writing..... yes I know I didn't even really talk about our topic tonight, but it's Glam so who gives a fuck?.....I have more important things to do right now, like hang out with my girlfriend Jenna Haze tonight. Yes, it's a lonely world. Goddamn, I love this video though...