Now you may think I'm a huge Type O Negative fan, considering my blog is all green and I have beautiful hair. Well the truth is, I'm not. I do have their first album though, Slow Deep and Hard, which the title I imagine has something to do with churning butter, plunging a toilet, or god forbid... fucking. Who knows? What I do know is a lot of us are sad that Peter Steele is dead. Most people will remember him as the blubbering jellyfish whose voice was sexy enough to turn you gay and whose imposing figure reminded you of a tweaked out Frankenstein. Although Mr. Steele managed to turn his entire Type O fan base into one big shoulder for him to weep on, this article is NOT about the None More Negative. This is about his band before Type O Negative, back when he was a fuck beast who showed no mercy and dressed like a viking. Before he was in Playgirl and was considered hot sexy stuff. This is about Carnivore!
Hot sexy stuff.
Carnivore is definitely not as well known as you know who, but they are infinitely better. They only released two albums in the mid 80's, but those albums are enough to make you question why you ever talked shit about this scary looking man. Carnivore's self titled debut is a great thrashy album which touches on nuclear fallout, rape, war and motorcycles. There is absolutely nothing else you need in a album. When Peter Steele screams he wants to eat your pussy in track 2, you almost wish you were of the female species so he could trace the alphabet on you. I take it back, you don't wish for it... you fucking want it. The song Male Supremacy is the soundtrack to every man's dream. You go off to war, murder a bunch of people, smash a bunch of girls, and then you come home and fuck your girlfriend and she doesn't care because you are a fucking badass. OMG girlfriend, that is awesome. This is also the time when Peter Steele gave a shit about playing bass and didn't just stand on stage in a drunken Jagermeister stupor.
Don't be fooled by the bandanna. He WILL rape you.
Carnivore's 2nd album, Retaliation, is more influenced by New York hardcore than it is thrash. The opening track, Jack Daniels and Pizza, is about 55 seconds of Peter Steele puking in a toilet. This was the first listening experience I had with this band and I don't regret it. After you get past the vomit, this album is a audio orgasm. I bought this album on the advice of my brother Matt and after the first spin I have considered Peter Steele a god. You will too once you listen to it. This album is a non stop sonic assault that would even make your Nazi Grandmother move to the Jew loving state of New York. Sadly after this album, Carnivore didn't make any more records and Peter Steele formed Type O Negative. A couple years ago I heard rumors that Carnivore would come out with a new album. Now we know that can never happen because someone had to go off and die. Speaking of dying, the original Carnivore guitarist died in a bicycle accident in 2005. Alas we are left with two of the best metal albums in existence, that no one has ever heard of go figure. Awhile back I was working at a gas station (yeah yeah fuck you) and had Carnivore playing on the radio. While I was at the counter selling minors condoms and cigarettes, some Mormons came in and shopped around the store. As I was ringing up their Teddy Grahams and non caffeinated cola's, Carnivore's God is Dead came on the CD player. The terror in their eyes was such that I can only compare it to you walking in on your dead sister fist fucking your grandfather while the family dog watched on in amazement. Yes, it was a funny thing to see. I hope you guys check out this band after you read this, you will worship me for all eternity because I have introduced you to something great. In closing I'd like to thank Peter Steele for being a funny douchebag, making some awesome music, and I hope it's not to lonely for you 6 feet down.
So we all know, unless you're a fucking moron, who the Big 4 are. Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax are the thrash bands that all metal fans have bowed down to at some point in their life. Metallica and Megadeth are the reason you play guitar in your shitty band, while Anthrax and Slayer are the reason you like to wear Indian war paint while you read the Satanic Bible in your Grandmother's basement. As you know, I hope, there are many other great thrash bands out there. One in particular didn't get the glory I think they deserve. We'll get to that in a bit.
What do you mean I have tits? I work out everyday.
Most of the thrash bands from that era had varying amounts of success. I'm assuming you don't wear white leather jackets and say "sweet bro" more than twice a day, so I'm not going to waste my time telling you every damn thrash band that was around back then. A lot of the thrash bands that played with the Metallica's of the world would never make it as big. They still tour now but play lame clubs, make little money and go back to their job at KFC after they arrive home. Yes they are the guys serving you macaroni and biscuits while they curse the day they told their fathers, "No! This is who I am, I don't want to go to college!" The Big 4 somehow evaded the shame of working for Colonel Sanders and managed to play music for a living. By the unholy will of the whore we call Fate, everything worked in their favor. Well, either its Fate or they gave enough quarters to the Salvation Army Santa Clause, that for some reason smells of rum and regret, to ensure their success in life. I have no doubt Kerry King is very happy with his circumstances, now this chubby little man gets the fat sucked from his dick every night by a trailer trash groupie. And yes to answer your next question, there is no God.
Watch the spikes bitch.
I know by now all of you reading this are shaking from anticipation from who this mystery band will be. Unfortunately this band was left out, kind of like the retarded kid who wants to join the game of spin the bottle, from really continuing their success. No it's not Exodus, Forbidden, or Death Angel. *Drum Roll*........ It's mother fucking Testament. I know you're screaming at the computer now, raising your fists in the air while cursing the gods demanding why it is not Exodus. Well for one, Exodus isn't Testament. Chuck Billy fucking rules! Testament should have the same success as the Big 4. Have you guys ever heard The Legacy or The New Order. That shit is epic. Just as epic as when you were handed your macaroni and biscuits from Jeff Waters today for lunch. No question about it. Testament was mighty big in the late 80's and early 90's and then something happened. People stopped liking them so much. Maybe it was The Ritual or maybe because they became heavier in the 90's, unlike their comrades in the Big 4. Who knows...but it's bullshit! Chuck Billy looks like Pocahontas on steroids dressed ready to fight. If that isn't enough he has the best thrash voice of them all. Alex Skolnick, extra points for the hot pink guitar, is one the best if not the best thrash lead there is. Eric Peterson can't be touched on rhythm and he plays in a Black Metal band. Greg Christian looks awesome in leather jackets and Louie Clemente makes furniture. Come on guys, Eerie Inhabitants, Into the Pit, Nightmare, Souls of Black. These songs are legendary. I have had people tell me that they sound to clean, Chuck Billy's vocals suck and that they are just a rip off of Metallica. I would like the record to state these people should be deprived of intercourse. Btw, Alex Skolnick > Kirk Hammett. I saw Megadeth and Testament in concert last year and during Testament's set some guy came up to me and asked who they were. Point made. The idiocy of that question still gives me nightmares. Watch this video and just agree with me.
